Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff

duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?

Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.

I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.

PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours

Sloth: Uh oh

[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?

A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.

Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

I don’t like video “games” where you gotta run around collecting shit. You’re not fooling me. Those are errands

A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.

If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.

The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.

Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed

KITTEN: *flailing wildly*

MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off

KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*

MAMA CAT: excellent

COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha

ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild

Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to

Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Wife: Talk to him

Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition

what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one

“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes

I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..

whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field

It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime