Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

[returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.

When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..

Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.

90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.

NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.

ME: It’s fullnerable.

WIFE: Get out.

Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…

what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community

Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.

[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]

Me: are you breaking up with me?!

Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?

Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me

Demon: why are you this way

My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”

I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”

The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose

Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.

Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.

*first date*

Her: I love strong guys…

Me: I would fight

Her: …with a playful side…

Me: with Mickey Mouse

Her: …and a naughty side…

Me: in bed

Her: what

Me: what

His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”

If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

Maybe I misheard him…

But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.

me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs

boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right

About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.

I just passed a beer truck on the highway.

“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”

-My 6 yr old son, Miller