Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”

We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.

Pizza is an emotion right?

DOC: We got your blood tests back

ME: Is it small pox like I thought?

DOC: No, it’s even worse

ME: What could be worse than small pox?

DOC: Big pox

ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it

I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.

Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.

[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*

Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.

Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”

Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.

It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.

Even if it is no one’s birthday.

They don’t even check.

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.

INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?

ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal

Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.

JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA

me: have you seen my shoes?

dad: I saw them on your feet once

me: I’m serious can you be more specific

dad: hi serious, I’m more specific

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”

Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”

You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.

we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!

*eats 3 fries*

5yo: Can I be done?

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.

*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”