My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
You Might Also Like
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
A couple who are silly together stay together.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I don’t think my car can fly
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
My dress code is business-casualty.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords