My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
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Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
we’re dead?
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
My neck, my back, my…
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish
If you don’t like coffee, you’re probably just not putting enough Baileys in it
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes