Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.

‘I know a black person’

– White people

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.

i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there

Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.

Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.

Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”

Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?

Me: my student loans

Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even

My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.

April 1st is the class clown of days.

I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”

I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.

This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.

You have been warned.

I like my jims slim and my chances fat

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

No Google it does not

Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

“Do you have a makerspace at this library?”
“No we don’t.”
“You don’t make anything at all?”
“Do excuses count?”

Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.

When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”