my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
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I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Yes, this is exactly right
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.