my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
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You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
went fishing caught a bass
💯😂
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.