[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
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And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.