My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
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Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
the red hot silly peppers
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”