Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”

50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?

*walks up with my full head of mongooses*

Medusa: Let’s rock.

Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you

baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou

Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)

Topic: Excited about mustard!

MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?

InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄

If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles

Life hack:

Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.

Very suspicious that this keeps happening

99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.

My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.

*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*

[cries for 20 minutes]

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.

Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.

WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind

ME: Duh

[later at party]

ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?

Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.

PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.

OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.

REALIST: A train.

TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.