Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meanwhile in Portland…

5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”

BOSS: Show the new guy around.

(Hours Later)

NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.

ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?

This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience

My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.

My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.

I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.

You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.

I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.

I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.

one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year

I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

“Only God can judge me”

People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.

My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?

[phone rings]

CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer

ME: ?!?

CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*

My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!

Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts