My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
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Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.