Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting

Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.

“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well

In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house

CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.

America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.

UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.

Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now

Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.

(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.

(When someone insults something you like.)

“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”

(When someone insults something you hate.)

“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother

Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”

Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy

War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.

Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?

My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles

Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*

*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*

When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.

(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.

One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird

[1st date]

date: …you said you had abs

me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan

Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.

friend: our baby was a surprise

me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how