My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
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I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
🙂🐾
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*