My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
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Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
8: I wish we celebrated Christmas so we could ice skate.
Me: Jews can ice skate too dude.