My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
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DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.