My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
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DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?