My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
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In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon