Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands

Therapist: You too?

Me: [screams]

Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.

I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.

“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”

Drunks & toddlers.

If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.

Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!

Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.

In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

[campfire]

And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

[everyone screams in terror]

If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.

My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!

Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son

My son: say your line mummy!

Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”

haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day

My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah

First Christmas argument underway.

Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.

my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.

Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”

Me:

Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?

Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!

worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.

*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?

💀

HR: Well?

Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot

HR:

Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye

HR:

Me: can I have my bra back?

Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult

[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.

They must have gotten it to go.