Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

Genie: You have 3 wishes—

Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!

*45 minutes later*

Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?

Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.

why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw

“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.

Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*

Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”

Not being an heiress has ruined my life

WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx

Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.

Me: That’s the murder house on the street.

Friend: That’s your house.

Me: Yea

[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants

So your kid can speak 3 languages?

That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger

A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:

“That’s a bit of a blow”

[God creating vultures]

How about a goth flamingo?

[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone

I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.

ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse

movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).

i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged

Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this

Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*

Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”

Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?

Her: He’s a paramedic.

My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later

I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.

Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.

Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.

Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)