Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.

“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”

It’s fall??

“Ya, so what?”

[leaves start attacking everyone]

OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED

[Job Interview]

Boss: What is your best trait?

Me: Procrastination.

B: How is that a positive?

M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.

A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

~ The Okra Show

Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.

Friend: That’s my stomach.

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

Suez Canal: what the hell?

container ship: PARKOUR!

“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process

[neighbourhood watch meeting]

john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.

suzy: omg who could it be?

lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.

I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.

FINE, it was me!

*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.

When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.

When humans do it, they lose a finger.

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.

MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready

Aw cool firepit!

Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰

Still my favorite headline of all time:

I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.

I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.

My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”

You guys just tried it, didn’t you?

Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station