Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.

somewhere, in an alternate universe

wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*

If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers

Husband: my back hurts

Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???

My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?

Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh

Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.

Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?

Her: well it does now

Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.

A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back

“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block

God: And then let’s send in murder hornets

Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?

God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus

Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?

God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?

It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.

Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.

[First Date]

I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.

[Second Date]

*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*

Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.

I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”

*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*

Try and spy on me now!

*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*

SON OF A

Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.

Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?