Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.

4yo: can you get this open for me?

Me: oomph this is kinda tough

4yo: use your claws

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.

if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it

For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?

Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

Body: ok sleepy time.

Brain: ok thinky time.

I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.

him: i will see you in court!!!

me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.

And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.

I’m Sold!

GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy

[meeting her parents]

ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?

My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time

Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!

Date: What’s happening right n-

Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

[Company Christmas luncheon]

Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?

Me: Ugly sweater contest?

The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken

Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!

– Toddlers

love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”

When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.

I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.