My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
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I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now