My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
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I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?