My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
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I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Go hard or stay average
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Yup.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
me: dating is hard
me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music