“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
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It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.