“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire

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Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.

Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]

Here you go!


Giving somebody a greeting card is the most festive way to deposit $5 into their trashcan.


Uber plans to buy 24,000 self-driving cars from Volvo, which means passengers will now have to abuse and assault themselves.


Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth


This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”


One time a giant spider crawled up my sleeve.

Ironically, that’s also the day I learned karate on a ladder.


Wow the weather sure is getting cool *A cloud rolls by wearing sunglasses and smoking an unfiltered cigarette*


If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.


I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle