@tastefactory

“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire

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@dlockw21

Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.

Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]

Here you go!

@TheCatWhisprer

Giving somebody a greeting card is the most festive way to deposit $5 into their trashcan.

@realHamOnWry

Uber plans to buy 24,000 self-driving cars from Volvo, which means passengers will now have to abuse and assault themselves.

@0000seapea808

Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth

@retardedwriter

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

@jergarl

One time a giant spider crawled up my sleeve.

Ironically, that’s also the day I learned karate on a ladder.

@robfee

Wow the weather sure is getting cool *A cloud rolls by wearing sunglasses and smoking an unfiltered cigarette*

@JohnFugelsang

If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.

@OldUncleDaveO

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle