“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
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[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
A leaf blower, but for people.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
My patience has stretch marks.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
#FunnyLife Insects
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on