My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
![]()
You Might Also Like
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”