My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
You Might Also Like
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
