Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?

#math

I wonder what happens when you stop chasing waterfalls and the waterfalls start chasing you?

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.

Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.

Apostrophes are important.

“I fed the dog”

“I f’ed the dog”

Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.

Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?

I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”

Sorry I speak my mind.

It’s the only one I have, so I’m using it.

weird email i got today

“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?

*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”

[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?

McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell

5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?

Me: In case there’s a burglar.

5:

Me:

5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?

Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.

Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.

If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂

‘Probably’.