My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
You Might Also Like
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
I laughed at this way too hard.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?