My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
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Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
The key to a successful marriage is never go to bed married
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Pat is about to own someone
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.