Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car

guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”

Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*

Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?

Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.

I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.

It’s called “Miso Sad.”

HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.

This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday

This evening, I’m learning to play the drums

This is the final season of Young Sheldon.

I hope they don’t kill him off.

Person: How do you go to the bathroom?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.

Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?

*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*

there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry

Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”

[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.

Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.

11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?

ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter

11: so we’re poor

M: yes

July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us