My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
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Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
finally found a reasonable question
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.