Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??

that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy

School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all

What color is math?

I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME

What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention

Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.

Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.

Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”

Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money

Manager: Is this true

Waiter: I just gave him the check

COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha

ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild

Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!

Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore

If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.

[Having a tea party]

Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*

Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”

My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are

Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check

people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description

It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.

Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones

For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”

ME: So you’re into football?

DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.

ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.

HER: I need to see other people.

mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul

wife: oh my god she’s possessed

me: you sure? I mean you know her better but

You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.