My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
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Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
called in thicc to work this morning
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”