Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do

channeling her this year

Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.

“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”

Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!

By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.

Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*

Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.

DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

[FIRST DATE]

ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.

Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.

?????

I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.

BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?

RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.

#LochteGate

OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.

[6 PM]

Tween:

[7 PM]

Tween:

[8 PM]

Tween:

[9 PM]

Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.

Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.

The office holiday party is next week.

Coincidence?

Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?

Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.

HIM: I wanna do bad things with you

ME: Like punching old ladies?

HIM: Uh, no…

ME: Stealing from the donation jar?

HIM: God, no! I mean like-

ME: Stroller tipping?

HIM: You know, never mind.

ME: Taking up two parking spaces?

HIM: Goodbye

ME: Putting habanero juice in-

I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.

I’m more “fermented”.

My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.

It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.

What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?

Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch

Her: *chokes* It’s too late

Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.