Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?

Him: I’m right here!

Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y

Him: That’s not what I said

Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

Eve: I think we should see other people.

Adam: There’s other people here?

Eve: No.

A: What the…

E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.

Me: “Breath mint?”

Her: “Sure.”

M: “Don’t mean to offend.”

H: “None taken.”

M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”

I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is

“Your cute”
“My cute what?”

(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon

I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life

My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.

If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.

I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.

If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.

Children really brighten up a home.

They never turn the lights off…

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA

Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.

I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.

“Can I be honest with you?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t know me at all do you?”

[Commercial for ulcer medication]

“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”

Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.

….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.

[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*

The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax

My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.

[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.

He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.

There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.