Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.

I downloaded a Canadian true crime podcast and the first episode was about a guy who ordered a dozen doughnuts at Tim Hortons, but he received 13 instead… And he didn’t tell anybody.

Cop: Have you been drinking sir?

Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.

Cop: Step out of the vehicle.

Me: Sprite.

A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.

I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no

Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down

I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?

My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone

If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE

If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.

If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.

Genuinely no idea what to expect here.

I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?

Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower

one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it

If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me

Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.

Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.

A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili

[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*

You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.