My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
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This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.