My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
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When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
happy friday
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
My birth announcement for our third baby
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.