My husband’s just had a meeting about meetings.
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Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
This raises questions
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
#Caturday
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.