My husband’s just had a meeting about meetings.
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Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
tinder is all about the long game
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Did my cat write this
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.