My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
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“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.