Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.

If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.

Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.

Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.

It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

2024 has been a rough few years

date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve

“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”

This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.

living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else

Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.

Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!

The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.

life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up

“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.

I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir

Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.

Food: Are you sure.

Me: No.

I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.

3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

What do we want?
SNACKS!

When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!

– kids.

Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!

Me: Yeah that was me

Gmail: No it was on another device!

Me: Yes my tablet

Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!

Me: what no

Gmail: CALL THE POLICE

All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head