Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.

The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.

“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”

That’s not what I –

“Please stop. Let me do this.”

me: how can I impress my date

friend: buy her dinner

me: ok

[later at the restaurant]
her: what?

me: I said how much do you want for your burger?

*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*

gf: I wanna break up

*flops stomach out*

me: finally

Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?

Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.

Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]

Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat

if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

#Caturday

There is no try. There is only give up.

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?

“Kids are picking on me, Mom”

I’ll teach you how to fight, son.

“Yes!”

[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]

*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby

Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour

Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong

Me: I haven’t started yet

Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.

Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words