My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
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How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page