My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
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“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
relationship goals
People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Sooo many times…..
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.