My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
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[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.