My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
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My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
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Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.