my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
