my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
Sign of the day..
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Vodka burrito was a success
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
