My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
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Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
me and my fake scenarios
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
☠️☠️☠️
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER