My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
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The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I disagree with my politics
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows