Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.

I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.

Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.

Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?

I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.

That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.

My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.

I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”

Thought for the day:

Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?

MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer

ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey

MIL: I never wanted you in this family

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*

You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.

Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]

4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go

Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili

Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher

Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.

A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.

A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”

My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.

In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.

My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.

“Let’s circle back”

– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring

“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”

– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about

“Can you put it all in an email?”

Translations:

1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…

waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?

me: sure

waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich

me: those things are on the normal menu

waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18

me: they’re usually $12

waiter: today they’re special

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday

This evening, I’m learning to play the drums