My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
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When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.