Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.

Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it

I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter

She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes

Then I started to hear furniture moving

So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.

Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.

It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.

#COVID19

Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*

Her: what’s this?

Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms

If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.

My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth

She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.

3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

How was your morning?

4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:

4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.

Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.

4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.

Me: …why?

4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.

When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”

Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.

What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again

My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.

my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!

#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris

#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬

My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.

Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social

Cat:

Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous

Cat:

*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying

I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.

If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is

Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

Him: How much do you love me?

Me: A bit more than pizza.

Him:

Me: But not as much as coffee.