Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.

Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again

Alarm clock: *continues to beep*

Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

Me: *stressed

My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?

Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.

all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.

This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.

“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising

“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”

[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.

The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.

I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.

I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.

My horoscope today just said “NOPE”

HR: Punching colleagues is wrong

Me: But he drank from my mug

HR: That doesn’t allow you to—

M: I’d just filled it with gin

HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—

M: —ger beer…

HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!

Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”

*me almost finished with a chore*

Husband: Here, let me do that.

I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!

I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.

Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!

me: shoot for the moon

astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates

cop: can you step out of the car, sir?

me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D

cop:

me:

cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?

me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question

Good for him.