My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
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[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares.
It’s nice to have some company
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.