My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
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Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me
I feel like one of these would kill a European
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Feel. He’s so soft.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.