Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.

You’re welcome.

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]

Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”

Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

Becoming a parent changes your whole life.

One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏

Child: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.

me: i’d like to buy a data storage system

assistant: hard drive

me: yes the freeway was gridlocked

I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18

Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.

Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”

Me:

Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂

You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?

[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.

“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”

A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.

Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.

95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.

A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.

I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours

Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:

1. He talks to you.

2. He buys you a drink.

3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.

I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…

Her: “Move.”

Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.

Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe

Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber