My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
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I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants