My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
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One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Salad is the decaf of food.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Being a parent:
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….
Hahahahahahahaah.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.