My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
You Might Also Like
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Not all heroes wear capes…
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)