My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
You Might Also Like
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
man: wait
time: no
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.