Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.

dad: where do you think you’re going

me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?

why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries

It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.

It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.

I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.

In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.

Me: I want to-

Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!

Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!

Boss: Ok good. Go on

Me: I want to stop working here

Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.

“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.

[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.

put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes

I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?

Hello consequences, my actions went that way.

Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills

Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.

Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.

I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:

What even are olives, like a fish or something?

My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.

me: who wants to play two truths and a lie

guy who named the red delicious apple: me first

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.

I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?