Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies

Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..

Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]

*Falls off ladder*

Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?

Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.

Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song

Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.

When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage

I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.

It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.

*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?

I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.

[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die

*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*

House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”

*loses you in a crowd*

finally

Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”

Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.

dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]

Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.