my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
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*pronounces patio like ratio
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
An odd boast
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
#NeverForget
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT