@blakemessick

my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you

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@heatherlou_

These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.

@onion_an

[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]

Date: The wine is lovely great choice

Me: *helplessly slips off chair*

@buhsbaby_baby

I feel like auto-correct should know by now that I’d never ask anyone to “jazz” all over my face.

@KalvinMacleod

How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War

@UnFitz

“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.

@hattiesoykan

naming a dragon drogon is the most lazy thing I’ve ever heard lmao pls meet my dog, deg

@djdarrellripley

You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.

*baby starts crying*

@AngelaEhh

Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.

kthanksbye

@jctwritesstuff

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

@BlindChow

friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder