my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
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Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
THE AUDACITY. 😤
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.