These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
You Might Also Like
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
I feel like auto-correct should know by now that I’d never ask anyone to “jazz” all over my face.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
naming a dragon drogon is the most lazy thing I’ve ever heard lmao pls meet my dog, deg
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder