my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
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My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.